By Lori Eisner, PhD
“I’d like to lose 10 pounds.”
“I want to find a partner.”
“This year I will quit smoking.”
“I want to be a good mother.”
Human beings set goals all the time. What is much more difficult isachieving them. It can be hard to continue pursuing a goal when we feelstuck or like we are not making progress quickly enough. When this happenswe have a few options: 1) we could give up the goal (“It wasn’tthat important to me anyway”), 2) we can beat ourselves up for notbeing good enough (“If I only had more willpower, I would be able tolose weight or quit smoking”), 3) we could blame others (“Allthe men in my age group only want to date younger women”), or 4) wecould consider taking a step back and think beyond the goal about our valuesand what is important to us. We often measure success in goals achieved, butconsider an alternative definition of success: living according to yourvalues – something you could do in any given moment.
When we think about HOW we want to live our life, we are focusing on values.Values are like a compass that keep us headed in a desired direction and aredistinct from goals. Goals are the specific ways you intend to execute yourvalues. A goal is something that we aim for and check off once we haveaccomplished it. Being responsible is a value. Owning a home is a goal. Youcan engage in responsible behavior each day that may lead to achieving yourgoal and continue to live that value even after you have achieved the goal.
Goals that flow from values are inherently more meaningful and more likelyto be achieved than those picked at random or those selected because youthink you should focus on them. Take the goal of losing weight. What isbehind this goal? Is it because you value fitness or self-care or taking onchallenges? Or is it because the magazines at the supermarket checkoutcounter make you feel bad? Understanding the value behind a goal allows youto make choices and engage in behaviors in any moment that are in line withwhat you have determined is important to YOU. When the goal lacks a valuebehind it, then the only measure of success becomes achievement.
So how do we start to figure out what we value? Picture your 80th birthdayparty and all the people who would be there. How do you want the people inattendance to speak about you – what would they say that you standfor, how would they describe what you mean to them or the role that you haveplayed in their life. Would they describe you as an assertive, encouraging,and industrious boss? As an authentic, caring, and respectful friend? As acompassionate, loving, and supportive parent? As an adventurous, creative,and curious free spirit? Values focus on HOW you want to be as you movethrough the moments of your life, rather than on WHAT you want to achieve.
If you imagine that you are looking at your life through a lens of a camera,sometimes we can get overly “zoomed in” on our goals and whetheror not we are achieving them. This can often lead us to feel guilty,ashamed, overwhelmed, hopeless or self-critical. Understanding andconnecting to your values is like “zooming out” to see the wholepicture – that we are more than our goals. Like a camera, we need tobe able to zoom out and see the whole landscape (act in alignment with ourbroad values on a day to day basis) AND zoom in on the finer details of asingle flower (continue to pursue and evaluate our goals) – there isbeauty and power in both. And remember that at your 80th birthdaycelebration, those who surround you will probably not focus on that 10pounds you never lost or that promotion you did not get, but they will toastto how friendly, fun, courageous and kind you were.
For more reading on values and goal setting, consider The Happiness Trap byRuss Harris (2007).
